Deja vu: Lord How Did I Find Myself Here AGAIN? Part 1
I feel like I am in the exact same place I was 8 years ago. Sitting at my office desk trying to hold it together while my entire life is crumbling before my eyes. I am uncertain about my future
and my children's future, and if I'm completely honest, that's a really scary place to be. Even though I have moments when I feel like I'm suffocating and my heart is being ripped out of my chest, I close my eyes and repeat, "I trust you Lord".
I don't know if I have unshakable faith, I'm an eternal optimist or if I'm completely delusional, but I truly believed that with God all things were possible. I truly believed that God was able to completely heal, restore and make things better than they were before. I truly believed that God could take all of our broken pieces and create something beautiful out of them. For the past 8 years I've prayed, fasted, submitted, read God's Words, planted seeds without growing weary and truly believed for a harvest of blessings. I truly believed that my life, the lives of my family and the lives of those connected to me were experiencing a shift for the better. I keep repeating TRULY BELIEVE, because I really, REALLY did believe. I believed so much so, that finding myself in this space AGAIN, is both confusing and devastating. It's like Lord, I believed and it was confirmed over and over that breakthrough was on the way. So what happened?
In 2021, I started my year off with prayer and fasting. A group of women from my Village Women’s Support Group and my husband joined me in the fast. After the 21 days of fasting and prayer was over, God gave me the Word that 2021 would be MY TIME for GREATER. I must admit, I did experience greater last year. All year I intentionally invested in myself. I worked on my TOTAL health (physically, mentally, spiritually), I worked on reviving my dead dreams, and I also worked on my personal life by evaluating myself in an attempt to strengthen my relationships with those I loved.
Glory to God!! God showed up in such powerful ways for me. Physically, I was able to get down to the lowest weight I've been in over 20 years. Mentally, I sought out the help of a professional wellness coach. She helped me to process and unravel my thoughts and come up with an action plan to reach my goals in life. Spiritually, I enrolled in Every Day Seminary with Dr. Dharius Daniels to help me learn about Bible Basics, started teaching the Adult Women's Sunday school class, and attended church and Bible study regularly.
Relationally, I worked on being a more present parent. For the first 7 months of the year due to COVID, my children went to work with me. We created some really amazing memories having them with me in the office all day. At night during devotional time, I would have really enlightening conversations with my children. The ways in which kid’s minds work is so beyond words. Through those conversations I changed my parenting style and I was getting better with talking through our issues opposed to yelling all the time. It was such a blessing experiencing my kids learning and growing academically and spiritually. My youngest daughter even decided to give her life to Christ and got baptized. I worked on being a more supportive wife, being intentional about checking in and speaking words of encouragement and affirmations over my husband. When my husband did something for the kids, worked overtime, or did something that made me happy I made sure to thank him. Through prayer and reading devotionals on marriage I tried to adopt "an attitude of gratitude" mindset when it came to my marriage (it was definitely a work in progress). I TRULY BELIEVED, there goes those words again, that we were entering into a new season in our marriage. He told me on so many occasions how happy he was with our progress, even noting that this was the happiest he'd ever been in our marriage. We were getting our finances in order and even making plans to purchase a home. In October, we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary.
God didn't stop there!! Oh no, there were so many other areas of my life that God was moving in. I was able to revive my dream of writing. I started my blog website and allowed myself to be vulnerable and share my heart with people. I even met with an editor and talked over ideas concerning the books God downloaded in me. While I am still a long way from publishing a book, I’m getting more comfortable with words again doing this blog.
God also did exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ask, think or imagine by blessing me with a job that I really love. It came with a pay raise, a more peaceful work environment and less stressful work. The blessing in it all was that I didn't have to negotiate, I was hired at the top salary rate. I was able to reactivate back into my sorority after being inactive for 13 years. My daughter also became a Rhoer, which is a little sister organization to my sorority. I had been actively praying for a close relationship with my daughter as she transitions into her teen years and God heard me and moved accordingly. God being interested in every detail of my life, even blessed me financially to afford braces.
Last but definitely not least, the Village (a women’s support ministry), that God birthed through me, was able to do our first community outreach event called the Holiday Blessing Giveaway. During this outreach event we were able to bless families in our community with new and gently used clothes, shoes, toys and household items. The support and the community turn out blessed my entire soul.
Why did I give this quick rundown of 2021 you might ask? Because I'm trying to get you to understand how God's hand was on my life. I want you to fully understand how my faith in God was allowing me to see Him move mountains on my behalf. On November 11, 2021, I wrote a blog post entitled, Attitude of Gratitude, because I was completely happy. I was in a moment of complete bliss. I mean don't get me wrong, there were hiccups, issues and I still made lots of mistakes. Everything wasn't perfect, but my good days outweighed my bad days. When trouble came it didn't last long. Weapons were forming as they always do, but there were not prospering. All that changed in a blink of an eye.
A few things happened in November of 2021, the first, was God started speaking to me about 2022 being a year of double blessings. If I thought 2021 blew my mind, it was NOTHING compared to what 2022 was going to be. Another thing God called me to do in November was pray for my family. God was moving in a mighty way in MY life and I wanted those blessings to extend to my family. I was called not only to pray for my husband and kids, but also pray for my extended family as well. God desired for me to get up at 5:00am in the morning and pray before work. To be completely transparent, it was a struggle for me. Not sensing the urgency of the coming attacks, I often allowed sleep to win out over me actually getting up to pray. Here is a word of advice for you if you’ve made it this far in the blog post, IF GOD IS LEADING YOU TO DO SOMETHING, DO IT!!!!
The first week of December trouble and trials came in like a wrecking ball. I mean the enemy was attacking my family, my marriage and my mind. Simple misunderstandings with my husband blew up into huge arguments and conversations about divorce. Family members lives were put in danger and I even feared for my own safety due to threats. COVID hit our family like wild fire and a family member‘s wedding event was canceled. We not only lost money on nonrefundable plane tickets, but I missed out on much needed alone time with my husband to rekindle and repair our relationship.
In less than a month I went from walking on sunshine to being completely consumed by storm clouds. It was like fires were erupting all around me and I didn’t have the ability to put them out. At times it felt like Satan was making the same accusations about me that he made about Job. (Job 1 major paraphrasing). “Jasmine only serves you because you constantly bless her. I bet if you lifted your hand of favor from her life, she’d turn her back on you and curse you.”
It felt like God gave Satan permission to test me, and anyone who’s been tested knows how painful it is. However, though I was experiencing hard times I swallowed it and continued to be available for others. I was being encouraging and bandaging other people’s wounds in the midst of my own bleeding. I got through the Christmas holiday and New Year with a fake smile on my face, because even though I was broken inside I wanted to appear happy for my children.
I tried to pray, believe and trust that weeping only endured for a night, but joy would come in the morning. I hadn’t experienced a night season like this in a LONG time. I woke up every morning expecting joy because God confirmed that 2022 was the year of Double Blessing, but nothing I’d experienced so far, felt like a blessing.
Unfortunately, things did not get better but progressively worse. The day after my children and I started our New Year’s fast (praise God it was their first fast), COVID hit our home and I had a fever off and on for almost a week. During these days of sickness my husband and I went from arguments and conversations about divorce to him flat out saying that he didn’t love me anymore and that he wanted to move out. His words gut punched me back into 2013 when we experienced our separation a year into our marriage. I never imagined I would be back in THIS PLACE!!! I never imagined being back in a position where I’m defending myself and trying to prove why I’m worthy of being loved. We promised each other we’d always work on our marriage and divorce was not an option. After our separation the first time I was extremely fragile, vulnerable and insecure. He promised me he’d never make me feel this way again. He promised me he wouldn’t hurt me again. So I REPEAT, how did I find myself here AGAIN!!! How am I running to the bathroom while at work because my heart hurts so bad that I can’t stop crying and it feels like I can’t breath.
I am a smart woman, I am an educated woman, I’m a God fearing woman, I’m a good woman!!! How is this happening to me!? I’ve been faithful not only to my husband, but to God. How is this MY life!? I hear the voices of the enemy telling me how stupid I was. Telling me how my years of fasting and praying were in vain. Telling me that my husband and I are unequally yoked and that it will never work out. Telling me that God doesn’t hear me and that I should just give up on my marriage because it’s hopeless. Telling me that nobody will ever love me. Telling me how my children will experience the same pain and rejection that I felt when my parents got divorced. Telling me all the promises and visions God gave me concerning my family and my marriage were all lies.
As I was sitting there in that bathroom crying and feeling pretty pathetic the Lord comforted me. He saw me, just like He saw Hagar (Genesis 16:13). In my broken place the Lord spoke His Word to combat the lies of the enemy. This is what He said:
1. He asked me what did I want? (2 Chronicles 1:7)
2. He gave me the phrase, “Even if He doesn’t”. (Daniel 3:16-18)
3. He asked if I was willing to leave my family behind in order to pick up my cross. (Matthew 10:37-39)
4. He showed me Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and then I heard the words, “Not my will, but yours”. (Luke 22:42)
I was reminded that God does LOVE me!! He loves me so much that He sent His one and only son to die for me. I was reminded that God desires good things for me. Even when it’s painful and I don’t understand God is in control and He has a plan. I was reminded that even on my darkest days God in with me. I have to keep my thoughts fixed on Jesus!! I have to think on heavenly things so that I am not deceived by the enemy. The devil is a liar, an opposer and he’s already defeated!! No matter how cloudy it might seems, the sun is ALWAYS shining above.
Be on the look out for Part 2, when I explain in detail God’s Word for me. I figured this post was long enough.
Blessings 🙏🏾
