Deja vu: Lord How Did I Find Myself Here AGAIN? Part 2

If you haven't read part 1, I suggest you go back and read it. It explains how I found myself crying in the bathroom stall at work, barely able to catch my breath. It helps you to better understand how God saw me in this broken place and provided me with comfort through His Word.

Many of you might be wondering why I'm sharing this? What is my motivation behind these blog posts? Why am I exposing such sensitive and vulnerable areas of my life? Trust me I've questioned, evaluated and prayed concerning my motives as well. I am in a constant conversation with the Father filtering my thoughts through His Word to ensure that I'm not pouring from a bitter cup. A part of me wanted to hide this part of my life because I was ashamed and embarrassed. Here I am constantly talking about the goodness of God and His many blessings and I can't even keep my marriage from falling apart AGAIN.

Then I was reminded of what I said when I started this blog in May.

I truly believe that nothing in life happens to us by accident. Every trial, every mistake and every experience I've encountered has a purpose, and it is working for my good. It is my desire to share my life's journey with you to remind you that you are not alone.

Look there goes those two words again, TRULY BELIEVE. Even in May, I was walking in unshakable faith, eternal optimism or delusion (still trying to figure out which one). So even when it's painful, even when it's embarrassing, even when I want to hide under a rock because life is too hard to face, I can't. I am called to share my life's journey to remind you that you are not alone. I believe by FAITH that nothing I'm going through is by accident. I believe by FAITH that God would not allow me to experience a pain so deep that it's almost paralyzing, if it didn't have purpose. I believe by FAITH that even when I don't understand God has a plan. I TRULY BELIEVE by FAITH that even though it's unfair and life kind of SUCKS right now, that God is working ALL things for my good.

So here is what God spoke to me through His Word:

1. He asked me what did I want?

(2 Chronicles 1:7)

2. He gave me the phrase, “Even if He doesn’t”. (Daniel 3:16-18)

3. He asked if I was willing to leave my family behind in order to pick up my cross. (Matthew 10:37-39)

4. He showed me Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and then I heard the words, “Not my will, but yours”. (Luke 22:42)

What Do I Want (2 Chronicles 1:7)

Just like with Solomon, I could imagine God giving me an open request. "Jasmine, what do you want? Ask, and I will give it to you!"

We all know that God is not a magic genie granting 3 wishes, but He is a faithful Father who's desires to give good gifts to His children. So seriously, in this moment if God were to answer any prayer request, what would it be? What do I really want?

I want my husband to love God and submit his life to Him. I want a happy and whole marriage where we are completely secure and fulfilled. I want a marriage where we rejoice on the "better days" and persevere on the "worse days". I want a marriage like Ephesians 6, where my husband loves me and I respect him. I want us to love each other like it says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6. I want a love that is patient and kind. A love that is not jealous, boastful, proud or rude. A love that is not self centered and demand its own way. A love that is not easily irritated, and keeps no record of being wronged. A love that never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I want my husband to be loyal and faithful to me, like I'm loyal and faithful to him. I want generational curses of trauma, drama, dysfunction and depression to be broken off of our marriage. I want our marriage to glorify God and be a beckon of hope to a generation who have lost hope in marriage. I want our marriage to be a display of God's faithfulness. I want others to believe that God is a God who heals, restores and redeems because He did it in our marriage. I want our life to be different than our parents and I want our kids lives to be different than ours. I want God's absolute best. I want to be like Adam and Eve before the fall where they were completely vulnerable with each other and unashamed. I want a covenant marriage that lasts as long as we both shall live. I want a marriage where two become one flesh and no man can separate it. I want my kids to be protected from the pain and rejection that comes with divorce. I want our kids to look at our marriage and have a blueprint of what Godly marriage should be.

I don't care what has become normal in this world, I want God's original plan for marriage. I don't want a counterfeit, a duplicate or any version of a blended family. I want to spend every holiday and every weekend with our children together. I want my husband to father only children that were birthed from my womb. I want my husband to love and honor the wife of his youth as it says in Proverbs 5:18. I want the vision that God gave me in 2013 when I was standing, praying and believing Him for restoration. I want God to arise and the enemy to scattered!!! I want God to show Himself faithful to me like He's done so many times in the past.

Even If He Doesn't (Daniel 3:16-18)

After I poured out my heart completely to God. I heard in my Spirit the words, "Even If He Doesn't". Those words came from Daniel 3:16-18. I encourage you to go read this passage of scripture for yourself because I'm about to do some major paraphrasing.

Long story short, 3 Hebrew boys who had dedicated their lives to serve the Lord refused to bow down to a false god. They stood strong on their faith regardless of what everybody else around them was doing. In verse 15, they were given the option to bow down to this false god or to be thrown into a blazing furnace.

In verse 16-18, they said, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

Paraphrase, JSB Version, "Listen hear Satan, I do not need to defend myself against you. No matter how many schemes or tactics you use to destroy my marriage, the God I serve is able to save it. He will completely reconcile, restore and make my marriage whole. BUT EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, I want to make it clear to you, you cruel and crooked devil, that I will never conform to the patterns of this world. I will never believe your lies concerning the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is Holy and from God"

I refuse to bow down to the norms of this culture. I refuse to believe that broken marriage and broken homes is God's will. The only reason Satan attacks marriages so hard is because he knows that when he attacks the marriage he attacks the family. He whispers lies in our ears just like he did with Eve in Eden. He wants to destroy our legacy and make us forfeit God's best for us.

I REFUSE to bow down!! So I enter the blazing furnace of fire trusting that God will keep me. In verse 25, just like Jesus was in the fire with the 3 Hebrews boys, He's in the fire with me. If God chooses to restore my marriage great, but if He desires for divorce to be our final destination, I still believe. I have to trust that even in the fire I won't come out smelling like smoke. I have to trust that being a product of a broken marriage does not make me a broken person. I have to trust that God is able to protect my children is the midst of our marital chaos. I have to trust that the fire that was meant to kill will refine me, purify me and equip me to do even greater works in the God's kingdom. God will be glorified through my life whether I’m married or whether I’m divorced.

The Cost of The Cross (Matthew 10:37-39)

“If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it." Matthew 10:37-39

I love my family, and from the bottom of my heart, I don’t want to see my family split apart. But at the end of the day I love God more. I will ALWAYS want what He wants for me.

I am willing to give up my life and my version of happily ever after, if God is calling me to something different. I surrender all my hopes and expectation for the future to Him. God is my source, God is my life and He’s my very reason for living.

The cost of carrying your cross and being a disciple is expensive. Sometimes the things you love the most are the things you have to lose. But, oh my God!!! The sacrifice is worth it, because God never takes anything away without blessing you with greater.

Not My Will, But Yours (Luke 22:42)

Now we come to the final Word that God gave me. The visual is Jesus is in the garden of Gethesame. He’s just been betrayed by someone He loved and he knows that this next stop on his journey will be painful.

He cries out in Luke 22:42,“Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.”

Paraphrase, JSB Version, ”Daddy, if you are willing please do not allow my marriage to end in divorce. Nevertheless, I want what You want for me”.

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Lord I have experienced this season before and I never thought I would have to experience it again. I know the journey ahead will be painful, but I trust you to keep me. I trust you to give me strength. I trust you to work all things for good and give me beauty for ashes. You have always shown yourself faithful to me. I might not understand your plan, but I know you have greater in store for me.

I’ve seen you move mountains in my life, perform miracles, and supernaturally answer my prayers. You carried me through my first season of separation and I trust that you are willing and able to do it again.

I saw your hand on my life in 2021. You touched and blessed EVERY SINGLE AREA of my life that was submitted to you. Any prayer you haven’t answered yet, it’s because I’m not ready. Any prayer you said no to, it because you have better.

You spoke that 2022 was going to be a season of double blessings. It was confirmed that I would get “double for my trouble”!! So God I am standing on Your Word. I am expecting you to perform a miracle. My God!! I am excited to see you work!!! I TRULY BELIEVE you’re about to do something amazing!!!